I don't mind crying for you

Lady Candar

It was the end of a wonderful sunny day, the end of a peaceful day in the Sanctuary, but not everyone was happy. It was the day when Clavis, the Guardian of Dark, was about to leave the sacred island. All the Guardians were standing in the blood-red sunset and waiting for his final decision. But Clavis was missing. What was it all about? Where was he? Why did he agree to leave everyone? And did he want to do it? Did he really want to leave his life here, leave everything behind? But there was no need to ask such questions. He was a Guardian a for very long time, forgetting all his desires and wishes, devoting himself to his task, sacrificing his own heart for the sake of protecting and serving the Queen... he had the right to do this. But maybe it was too long for him and he wanted to fly out of this gilded cage. And maybe... maybe it wasn't only escaping, maybe the time had come to leave his duties to someone else. But maybe it was time to finally heal his broken heart...

Clavis went through a very long hall. All the Guardians knew it, the hall to the throne room and Queen's own quarters. But entering the Queen's quarters without her permission was prohibited. Clavis knew it and despite that, he was about to break this old unwritten law. What was the purpose of doing that? Did he want to say farewell to the Queen? Only he and she, without Dia, without anyone who could hear his sad gentle voice saying "I'll never see you again" or see his dark eyes filled with tears when he would kiss her hand for the first and last time. Even if it meant to accept the strict punishment, he wanted to be with her, with the one who rejected him, broke his heart so cruelly and devoted herself to the post of the Queen. The Queen, the golden-haired Angelique, the first gold-haired one.
As he opened the door without knocking, he saw her sitting in a golden chair by the window. The last sunbeams colored her long golden hair to the light reddish color of copper. She turned her face to him and stared with her uncovered beautiful light blue eyes at him. He felt that gaze and looked at her, admiring that wonderful crystal-clear innocent sight of this great lady. Not that the other Angelique, the green-eyed one, was ugly or common looking, but she was a normal little girl... if he put her in his mind next to the Queen, she was like a raw amber next to the greatest diamond. The Queen's eyes... those eyes that forced him to fall in love with her, the eyes that had stolen his heart... the always hidden eyes. Why did she cover such beauty when she talked to the Guardians? Did she want to prevent anyone from falling in love with her again? Or did she want to prevent herself from having her heart broken because of her duties as Queen, that forbid her to love anyone? What was the real reason for that all?
He remembered that time very well, the starry night by the lake when he confessed his love and was rejected... so coldly, so heartlessly. They were like sunrise and sunset meeting under the magic light of the midnight moon. And as the darkness of night is every morning killed by the first sunbeams, was his heart doomed to be broken by the wonderful golden grace of his only love. What did she say that time? He remembered every word. "It isn't love, Clavis... it's only because there aren't any other women your age. You are too young to be really serious about it... and I'm not interested in your kind of men, maybe if you were Julious..." She said it intentionally to break off their relationship in the beginning and didn't seem to want to notice his pain then, but he really believed her words at the time. She was so cold as never before. And then he learned the reason, as he saw her in the throne room with the Queen's dress on and her eyes hidden the next day. "For the sake of saving the Sanctuary I became the new Queen," he heard her voice that time. He had to swear his loyalty like Julious and all others, to swear again as ten years before when he became a Guardian. She looked great, but her attitude changed... she wasn't that gentle cheerful young lady anymore, the woman here was cold and had never smiled since that time. She inherited all the duties of the last Queen, the black-haired woman who was - with the other Queen Candidate - killed by a traitorous Guardian and her death had brought the Sanctuary - no, the whole cosmos! - into chaos. The new Queen was a sacrifice, but he realized it too late and couldn't stop her. She had to sacrifice her own happiness for the happiness of the cosmos... he couldn't be even alone with her, try to protect her, because of the Queen's Aide Dia and the cold ceremonial distance between the Queen and her Guardians. Now, it was the first and last time when he could talk to her alone.
Without a word, he bowed down to her with his hand on his heart, the heart that long belonged only to her. She stood up and made a step toward him. Then she stopped her walking suddenly. She lifted her slight hand to her mouth. Did she realize everything too late or didn't she believe it before? Or was she shocked only because he entered her quarters and her room without permission? But it didn't matter now when he stood before her, giving her his last greeting. She opened her beautiful eyes wide with shock and opened her lips a little. But only for a while, then the emotionless mask that everyone knew so well returned. Only her eyes... she turned them and stared at the floor.
"This is farewell, my queen," said he with a sad voice, longing to embrace her gently and never let her go.
He went to her, kissed her hand and for the last time looked into those sad clear eyes. There was no reason for standing here any longer, or at least Clavis felt it so. She didn't move, didn't say anything... the great Queen who would never show any kind of emotions to anyone, a real empress. Did she really lose all of her feelings? Did she really lock her heart up for the sake of being a perfect ruler? Did she forget all his feelings for her? But he wouldn't! He swore that he would never forget his love for her, even if it would forbid him to love someone else. It was the reason why he rejected all the offers of both the young Angelique and even his only real friend Lumiale so coldly. Even if he accepted their feelings for him, it would be only a fake love, because all of him belonged to the Queen - his heart, his body, his mind. He would go to hell itself if she asked him to do it - only to see her gentle smile again.
"Well, then forgive me for my rudeness..." So with all the pain in his chest and his soul, he turned and was about to leave. She didn't say anything. Anything! She didn't even bother herself to say farewell to him. In his soul, everything was crying... he felt so empty. There was no reason to do anything... all her love for him was gone. There was nothing left for him. In that instant he decided to go. Without her, there was nothing more holding him here. "...live well, Your Majesty."
When he made few steps, with his legs heavy as if they were lead, he heard soft steps. Someone grabbed his robe. He heard a soft sigh while turning and he felt slight arms hugging his legs. It was her. The Queen, the great cold-looking lady, was preventing him from leaving.
"Don't go!" he heard her soft cry. She was on her knees, her eyes filled with tears. "I can't live this doomed life without you! Don't leave me!"
Clavis opened his narrow eyes wide with shock: She was kneeling before him, crying because he wanted to leave?! He fell on his knees before her. "You can't do this, Your Majesty!"
"In the throne room, you always stood to my left, near to my heart. You, my beloved never-smiling Clavis."
"Don't cry, Your Majesty! You..."
"I lied, I loved you all the time, Clavis!" cried she loudly. "I loved you, but I... I had to protect everyone, I had to be the Queen... and... and the Queen can never fall in love..." she sobbed. "If she stops thinking only of the good of the cosmos, everything will fall into chaos again! I had to reject you even if it broke my heart. It was for everyone's sake. It was my duty!"
"Your Majesty..." Clavis didn't believe his ears. Was it all real?! He lifted his hand and gently wiped her tears. Then he held his warm palm on her cheek. "I... I..." He didn't know what to say. It was like a dream... now and here, in reality... sitting on the cold floor with the Queen, stroking her hair, whispering, confessing his love for her again. She loved him all the time too, she did know that he didn't stop loving her and she had halted herself from confessing to him even if she had wanted to do so so much. She was the one, the only one... the real Queen. But there was no need to say anything. He grabbed her hand, leaned in and kissed her. He did it... he kissed the lonely Queen who could never be kissed. He broke another unwritten law, he touched the Queen. He could bring the whole cosmos into chaos again, but what was the greatest disaster compared with this short wild instant of love?! Was it a sin? He didn't care as he was holding his warm soft lips on hers, feeling the warmth of her body.
"I have to go, my Queen," said he then, still holding her hand. "It's time for my leave. The new Guardian of Dark will arrive soon. I can be no longer the Guardian of Dark but I'll be waiting for you. There is another Queen Candidate and if she becomes the Queen, you'll be free. And then... we will be together forever."
"Yes, surely we will," she agreed smiling.

It was long after sunset and the night sky was full of stars. It was his final farewell to everything... He was sitting by the lake, hearing the whispering of the water. The moonshine danced on the ripples, changing the lake into a glittering silver mirror. The magical mirror of cruel truth. He was lying. No, they both were. Clavis knew the truth of why there were the new Queen Candidates, he wasn't stupid. She was ill and had run out of power, because the Queen's position wasn't meant for her, because she was too weak - only a sacrificial Queen after all. That was the real reason for all of it.
It was about the end of the unhappy first Queen's story, a new era in the Sanctuary would begin - an era where there would be no dangers and the new Queen could be happy... All the Guardians were meeting in the throne room now, swearing their loyalty to the new Queen, the cheerful green-eyed Angelique. Only Clavis wasn't there, he didn't belong there, he wasn't a Guardian anymore. He and the ex-Queen, they both were now free. But she was dying. She knew it for sure, it was because of it that she chose one of the candidates so quickly. She wanted to spare some time to spend with him.
The first tear fell down and made his cheek wet. How much time did they have? A few years? Or months? Or only a few days? There would be no bright future, no everlasting love for them... even if they both longed for it so long. The new Angelique, the Queen Candidate... she would inherit the Queen's powers and will... and the current Queen would die, because there wouldn't be anything to keep her weak body living. So young, so beautiful, so sad. Why did she have to die?! Only because she wanted to save the cosmos so much that time? Why the hell did it have to happen?!? WHY!?! He covered his face with his hands and let the tears fall. "I'll wait, I won't let you die without me... even if it will be for a short time, we will be finally together. If you have to die, I'll be beside you to the end... I'll never let you go," he whispered.
A shadow fell on him and Clavis lifted his face. One of the dark clouds covered the shining full moon and clothed the whole area in a cloak of deep darkness. He felt a soft hand stroking his burning cheek and refining his pain into a sad warmth of helpless love. He could smell sweet fragrance of her scent. Slight arms embraced him again and he could feel the warmth of her slight soft body. Then the cloud passed over and the mild moonshine returned to color everything in shades of silver. "Did you cry, my dearest?" she asked with her head on his chest. He stroked her gently, kissing her hair. "I don't mind crying for you." She opened her eyes wide as she saw his kind bittersweet smile... his first gentle smile since that time.